| Too bad I have to post today. Cause I feel like shit.
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| So, finally time for a real update. I've been rather down for the past couple of.. well.. months. Hicksville is definitely not my town. Things went from bad to worse. Now I'm looking at possible jail time. But that's not the subject of this post. I'd rather talk about my thoughts on life. Yippee. Life sucks. There you have it. Now, that's not my entire outlook. Just summed up. I shall clarify. Okay. I just got off work. 10-6. And there was a forgotten hour in there that I worked as well. But you won't hear about that hour, because it doesn't exist. So anyway. I can't seem to make a rational decision at all lately. I know I've never really had coherent thoughts. Or maybe it's just that I don't want to share what I'm thinking. I do wish that I could be more open with what I'm feeling, but it's really hard. I don't want people to take it the wrong way. I just want everyone to understand. But I'm too afraid of what I think they'll think when I tell them. So all I ever say is "I don't know" or "Nothing." Then again, if you know me, you know that you normally have to pry any feeling or emotion out of me by force. Because I won't give it up that easily. I think this will help because I'm not really telling it to anyone but myself. People can choose to read it, and they can choose not to. Let's move onto love life, shall we? After Cindi, I've only had one girlfriend: Brittany. That was almost a year after I met Cindi. I felt no real connection with Brittany, so I did what I thought was best and broke it off. She was pretty torn over that matter, and still does seem so. I don't really understand it. We were together for a week. I didn't tell her about my life at all really. I don't think she knows who I really am. With that said, though, I don't really know who I am. It's been a mystery for quite some time. Going through life not knowing who you are or what you're doing is kind of disconcerting. But I digress. About the time I broke up with Brittany, Anna called me. It was a surprise, to say the least. I didn't think I'd ever hear from her again. Which, since that phone call, I haven't. I don't really mind though. That relationship really fucked me up to begin with. Being in touch with her probably wouldn't help me any. And then, a bombshell. Brooke. Feelings for her just flooded in. How could that happen? My best friend's ex-girlfriend. She was all I could think of. I was crazy about her. But as life has proven to me time and time again, I wasn't the guy she wanted. I'm not totally sure, but I think she's still with James. And I don't really want to change that. As long as she's happy, I don't want to interfere. Half of me wants to fight for her, but that other half just can't do it. Conflicting mind. And now Drew wants me to get with Crystal, but I don't really see that happening. I don't know exactly what to say to her. Surprise surprise. She's a cool girl and all, but I'm just... me. I'm horrible with women. And as life goes on, it gets even more intriguing. There's jail time hanging over my head as I write this. I've made a lot of bad decisions in my life, and this is definitely one of the worst. I guess I thought at the time that we wouldn't get caught. Naive. So now I feel as though I'm just floating through this life, waiting for something to wake me up. Snap me out of this surreality. Not only has the will to live left me, but the will to die has appeared. I've always said that I wasn't the suicidal type. But it's looking quite warm at this point. The only problem is that I'm too much of a pussy to actually off myself. Which just brings this question to mind: Which is more cowardly? Fear of suicide, or suicide itself. I don't know. All I do know is that I don't want to die, but I don't want to live either. A man can only take so much before he wants to break down and leave it all. I'm scared that I'm walking ever closer to that point. I wish Natural Light didn't taste so bad. I'd be halfway to drunk right now. I need some liquor. Anyway. I think that's all I have for now, considering the fact that I'm babbling about alcohol. I'll just end this little outcry and hope that someone, somewhere reads it.
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Get Away!
Get Away!
You hurt me you fuck!
You hurt me you fuck!
You hurt me you fuck!
You hurt me...
Stop it!
Stop it!
You hurt me you cunt!
You hurt me you cunt!
You hurt me you cunt!
You hurt me...
...cunt, cunt, cunt...
...mommy, mommy, mommy...
...woman, woman, woman...
Stop it!
Stop it!
You hurt me you fuck!
You hurt me you fuck!
You hurt me... |
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| I'm still alive when you hold me down.
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| Who knows how long I've loved you.
You know I love you still.
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to - I will.
For if I ever saw you
I didn't catch your name.
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.
Love you forever and forever.
Love you with all my heart.
Love you whenever we're together.
Love you when we're apart.
And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you.
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
You know I will.
I will. |
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